The Stories We Tell Ourselves and What They Cost Us

By Nick Kellar

Nick Kellar is a dedicated real estate consultant, investor, and community steward serving Baltimore and the surrounding areas.

When I work with someone, my hope is simple. I want you to walk away from our time together feeling a little better than you did before. Sometimes that’s professional, giving you the perspective to make a decision you feel good about.

But a home sale can stretch across months or years, and a lot of life happens in that window. So if you ever want to go deeper than the transaction, there’s always room for that with me. I don’t have all the answers, but now and then I can offer something worth carrying forward.

That spirit is behind what I want to share, because a recent call reminded me how much of our stress isn’t what happened at all. It’s the version of it we keep replaying afterward. A short exchange, a comment taken the wrong way, and hours later we’re still carrying it, short with the people we love over a single moment we’ve built into something bigger.

The gap between what happened and the story. Learning to notice the difference between what happened and the story I’ve wrapped around it is one of the most useful skills I’ve picked up, in real estate and in life. The relationships that last aren’t the ones where nothing goes wrong. They’re the ones where people know how to set the story down.

A standoff about to cost a relationship. That came up with a client who’s turned into a friend. We were getting his house ready to list, but what was really weighing on him was his 13-year-old son. He planned to hold out until the boy learned to man up. So I asked him what happens if that lesson never lands. A teenager rarely reads silence as a cue to apologize, and a standoff that drags on tends to cost the relationship long before it teaches anything.

One idea that never left me. What I offered instead traces back to a weekend seminar I got talked into years ago, the Landmark Forum. One idea has never left me. There’s truth, the fact of what actually occurred, and then there’s everything else, the stories we tell ourselves about it. The event is a single, finished moment. The story is what we let run for weeks. We spin those stories to protect the ego, doing real damage to ourselves and others in the name of guarding it, when so much of life lives in the middle ground we refuse to stand on.

The conversation that sets the baggage down. So with my client, after asking permission, I shared a tool from that weekend called an enrollment conversation. You go to the other person and start with your own apology, naming how you’ve been showing up, how it’s landed on them, and that you don’t want to keep doing it. Then you invite them into something new, setting your baggage down first.

The hope is they set theirs down too. If they don’t, that’s their choice, and you’ve still met them halfway. Every durable relationship runs on trust, and trust is built on vulnerability. A strong man can admit he was wrong, even when the other person was wrong too.

The word people skip over. There’s a word people skip right over when they list what they want out of life. They name the bigger house, the nicer things, the fuller bank account, and walk straight past peace. The longer I’m at this, the more I believe it’s one of the most valuable things a person can have, and you protect it through the quality of your communication.

Lead with questions, not a pitch. That’s where a lot of us, agents especially, get it backward. We treat conversation as something to win. I’d rather work like a scientist or a doctor, who asks questions and seeks to understand first. If you want to break the story you’re stuck in, start by listening, stay honest even when it’s hard, and keep the conversation open instead of aiming to be right.

This is really just how I try to show up for people, whether we’re talking about their home or something bigger. If any of it resonates, I’d love to keep the conversation going. Reach out anytime at 443-375-2224, email me at nick@storyline-homes.com, or visit blog.storyline-homes.com. Whether you’re thinking about a move or just want to talk, I’m glad to listen.